It's been going...

I realize I haven't wrote on here in a few weeks, but I have been more productive to the point where I really don't feel the need to post every night. I have been doing my have to's and want to's so I have been productive. I have been working regularly, and have been becoming more interested in keeping my household running efficiently. I have come to realize that I think that I have some anger issues to work out though. It might be pregnancy hormones though. I want to stand up for myself though, question people, and make sure I'm satisfied with the end result.
I've become more excited about this pregnancy, and have become more practical in what to expect this time around. I let myself nap, but I also make sure that I am doing my fair share of work. I don't want to be treated any differently.  I know that I have some limitations too.
I mentioned earlier about having the want of becoming more efficient with my household. What I really am focused on is my oldest son. He was diagnosed with Unspecified Sensory Seeking disorder. I feel like it hurts him so much, as in that when he acts out, he gets into trouble, or we get frustrated with him. I worry about him in the long run, of being a successful adult, and being able to have every tool available to get there. My husband and I have been trying to be as proactive as possible with making sure that he gets the help he needs, but due to financial constraints with the insurance company, he can only see an occupational therapist three times a year, asides from the visit that diagnoses him.  Our goals with him are as follows:
1,)Using sensory strategy, N. will be able to maintain position in line without disruption to others 90% of all attempts.
2.) N. will identify 4-5 calming strategies that he can use during movement activities to maintain attention to complete 4-5 step game.
3.) N. will develop use of visual tools to help compensate for poor attention at home with use of a daily schedule 7 of 7 days per week.
4.) N. will decrease number of meltdowns per week to 3 or less with use of home modifications, as well as sensory strategies. Goals will be met within 5-6 treatment sessions.
5.) Rehab potential : Good.

I'll admit that we haven't been as consistent as we should have been with the visual schedule as we should have been. I think lately though, it's as important as ever. We identified in the sessions we had that he has a problem transitioning from one activity to the next, and that physical activity can make him pretty excitable and hard to transition. It was to the point where we wouldn't engage him in tickle fights or play wrestle with him, because he would get so wild, someone or himself would get hurt, or it would lead to a meltdown. N.'s therapist was able to give N. some ideas about how identify when he's getting to wild, to ways to calm down. We talked about how his "engine" can run to fast, which leads to a tantrum and inability to transition to a new activity, to tooo slow, where he becomes inattentive. His "engine" should be just right. We learned about calming down by deep pressured , breathing through the nose and out the mouth, and checking his engine.




 I have been talking with my therapist about some of his issues, like his tantrums, or his constant complaining. She recommended a book to read about his issue with tantrums called The Explosive Child. I read the intro part of it, and I think it will help. It talks about how many parents with temperamental children are often judged as not being harsh enough, but in reality, have actually tried everything under the sun.  I'm hoping it helps, because

Day 13

Today I had orientation at my new job. I really don't know whats wrong, but this pregnancy is getting to be incredibly hard. I drove to the Dells and did what I needed to do. It was only a few hours of my time, but then I had to go grocery shopping at Aldi's and I had to stop at WalMart for WIC. By the time I got home, my headache that I've had as a minor annoyance for a few days, became a blinding headache. I ended up getting the groceries put away, then just went to bed. I felt horrible. I woke up a few hours later, still feeling pretty sick. The headache is still there too. I just wanted to get this wrote out tonight. Tomorrow I work early in the morning, and I'm worried that I'm going to feel even worse by the time I arrive home.
Want to Do: Nothing. Just trying to get this headache to stop.
Have to Do:grocery shopped, gave the boys their bath.

Day 12

Today was more of an apathetic day. I planned on doing housework, but around 11:00 this morning, I became so tired, all I could think about was napping. So nap I did. I did do somethings that I had to do, and something that I had to do that I wanted to do anyway. As soon as it turned 4:00 p.m. I started to tidy up the house, because Matt was going to be home in half an hour. So I did some chores, and then when he came home from work, we went outside and fenced in the garden. We ate a quick supper, I cleaned up, and got the boys ready for bed, then went outside to clean up the yard. I also took the grass clippings from mowing the lawn and put them at the base of all our tomato plants. I love gardening so much.
Have to Do:washed and put away dishes, swept, tidied up, picked up the lawn
Want to Do:worked on the garden, took a nap

Days 10 & 11

I feel so exhausted! I really don't think that it's from depression, I think it's from fresh air and pregnancy. I sleep like the dead, and overall I feel like I'm starting to move past my apathy. Yesterday was a good day. We planted more of the garden, and did some yard work. I read a book, and Matt seemed to want to celebrate Mother's Day Weekend, rather than just the day. He got me a beautiful pearl and diamond necklace, and gave it to me early yesterday for good luck at an interview I had in the Dells. (Which I am very pleased to report that I got the job, even though he wasn't going to make a decision until Tuesday.)
Today was amazing too. I woke up late at 10a.m. Matt was making breakfast, and had bought cinnamon rolls to have before a big breakfast of bacon, scrambled eggs, and pancakes. Then he cleaned up, and we went outside to wash the car. We then decided to head to Menard's to get some strawberries and vegetables. We ended up spending a little more than we wanted to, but we also got enough perennials to add to our strawberry garden. So I guess it can just be the Perennial garden now. We also bought more seeds of cucumbers, green beans, and something else that I don't remember, as well as buying some tomatoes as well. We came home, planted it all, then had a good supper of BBQ chicken, corn, and steak fries. The only thing that wasn't good about this weekend is that N. got a fever last night, but it went away this morning, but only to return tonight with a vengeance. Chills, fever, and headache, so tomorrow I'm going to keep him home. He was also complaining of his mid to upper back hurting, which is slightly concerning. Since he said it didn't hurt when he was breathing, I don't think it has anything to do with the fever, but I'm keeping an eye on it anyway.

Have to Do: Planted the garden, cleaned the boys up for bed

Want to Do:  Read a book, planted a perennial garden

Days 7,8,8

I didn't post here on day 7 because I had some contractions and had to head to the hospital. Everything is OK now, and I found out that we will be having another boy. I'm a little disappointed, but mostly relieved that baby looked really good, and nothing came to be with the contractions. I just want a healthy baby. By the time I got home, we ate dinner, and got the kids to bed, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. So I did. I will mention that our microwave went out too, which kind of sucks. I never realized how much I made in that thing.
Day 8 was mostly a rest day for me, so once again, didn't do much on the Have to/Want to thing. I went to my therapy appointment, and had to take H. with me. He was surprisingly good! He played with the toys I brought and he was quiet because he found a nice corner to poop in. Good thing he is still in diapers.
Today was so nice out, I wanted to spend it outside reading; however we don't have any good lawn chairs to do that in, and being pregnant and generally already uncomfortable, I wasn't going to sit on the ground. So I opened up all the windows to let the breeze in while I read. Which  I did most of the day. I did start the day off right and made breakfast for everyone (but N. who claimed he was going to eat breakfast at school) and I also cooked pork steaks for supper. I'm proud of myself because I haven't been the one making our evening meals lately, mostly because I feel just so apathetic without appetite, that I'm in no mood to cook.  We planted our started plants and more seeds in the garden today. It makes me so happy and proud of our hard work when we start reaping the harvest of vegetables. It's something that makes me take my time, and isn't instantly gratifying. You have to work hard to keep pests, drought, rain, and weeds from wrecking your garden, and you also have to have some sort of knowledge of horticulture. Example would be last year when our tomatoes starting to get blight. I researched and found that I needed to get air circulation to the root color and putting some mulch down would help with getting the nutrients that plant needed to make a good fruit. I love all that time and effort that you put in. Then when you eat what you have grown, it tastes that much more better. In different note, I realize since starting therapy that I can talk with Matt more about my depression, in a way that isn't offending, and that is more often helpful. Matt can give insight to my behavior that I don't often see or don't want to see. He gives me great advice, and it's nice to ask him for help with my therapy. I love when I ask his advice his answers are always thoughtful, and make me feel loved, and not different since I battle depression. I am really lucky that I married a man that does love me no matter what, and is there for me in the bad times as well as the good.
Have to Do: Made breakfast and supper
Want to Do: Read a book

What I want

I want to talk about what I want from others when I talk about depression. I don't want to be meek about my depression, afraid of what others will say, and I'm sick and tired of hearing about what everyone else does, thinks or says on the subject. I suffer from it, and I need understanding. What I don't need is sympathy, pity, or someones misguided view on the subject. My ob/gyn wants to put me on an anti-depressant at 36 weeks to help with PPD as a preventative( or maybe 34 weeks, I can't quite remember), and I'm OK with that. Any mental health professional will tell you that the best way to treat MDD(what I currently am struggling with) is psychotherapy combined with a medication. I may go on one earlier, I may not, depending on if my psychotherapy and my goals for my therapy work. I know that anti depressants don't make it go away, but they do make the lows not so low. And when you've been as low as I have been, that makes you pretty thankful. As far as anyone reading this now or ever in the future, the risks associated with taking an anti depressant during pregnancy will be discussed between myself, my ob/gyn, and my therapist, collectively. For people to understand how I feel though, they need to be open. I feel that many people really just want to voice an opinion rather than give actual advice. When it comes to feel better, I really don't know what to think, asides that I all I want to do is feel better.

Day 6

Today I woke up feeling just tired, and not wanting to get up. I got Henry changed and fed right away. I got myself a cup of coffee, and then really didn't eat anything for breakfast. I ended up not getting dressed or even doing any Have to Dos until after Noah got home from school. I washed dishes, started supper, washed the dog, and cleaned the bathroom. When Matt got home, I went to quickly vote,and by the time I got home, Matt had supper finished. I felt pretty happy at that point, and got supper cleaned up after. Then I sort of ended up in a bad mood,because about the time I went to relax, Matt started to get cranky. He snapped at me and he snapped at Noah. I know he has been stressed about our finances lately, and I'm sure that is what put him out of sorts. So I went to our bedroom and changed into pajamas, and he followed me back there to apologize for being cranky toward me. I told him it was ok, then asked him if bills were bugging him. After sitting down and talking about it,and figuring out a plan of action, we felt much better about our situation. I do have that interview this Saturday, and I'm feeling pretty confident on getting it. If I get the job, it should help us enough that we should have enough to save. Since we have our battle plan, so to speak, I feel much more confident. I think with this pregnancy I feel much more emtional, especially when it comes to how others are acting or reacting to me. Most things make me feel like I can cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I get what I've read at teh "Merry-Go-Sorry", a thing that starts out with giggles that ends with hysterical sobbing. Apparently my tear ducts want a good work out this pregnancy.  Today was a typical depressive day for me today. I felt mostly appathetic today, wih a chance of becoming pretty sad. I managed to fight off the sadness though with something that I knew would fix what was bugging me and helping Matt too.

Have to Do: dishes, gave the dog a bath, cleaned the bathroom

Want to Do: plan on reading a book before bed tonight