It's been going...

I realize I haven't wrote on here in a few weeks, but I have been more productive to the point where I really don't feel the need to post every night. I have been doing my have to's and want to's so I have been productive. I have been working regularly, and have been becoming more interested in keeping my household running efficiently. I have come to realize that I think that I have some anger issues to work out though. It might be pregnancy hormones though. I want to stand up for myself though, question people, and make sure I'm satisfied with the end result.
I've become more excited about this pregnancy, and have become more practical in what to expect this time around. I let myself nap, but I also make sure that I am doing my fair share of work. I don't want to be treated any differently.  I know that I have some limitations too.
I mentioned earlier about having the want of becoming more efficient with my household. What I really am focused on is my oldest son. He was diagnosed with Unspecified Sensory Seeking disorder. I feel like it hurts him so much, as in that when he acts out, he gets into trouble, or we get frustrated with him. I worry about him in the long run, of being a successful adult, and being able to have every tool available to get there. My husband and I have been trying to be as proactive as possible with making sure that he gets the help he needs, but due to financial constraints with the insurance company, he can only see an occupational therapist three times a year, asides from the visit that diagnoses him.  Our goals with him are as follows:
1,)Using sensory strategy, N. will be able to maintain position in line without disruption to others 90% of all attempts.
2.) N. will identify 4-5 calming strategies that he can use during movement activities to maintain attention to complete 4-5 step game.
3.) N. will develop use of visual tools to help compensate for poor attention at home with use of a daily schedule 7 of 7 days per week.
4.) N. will decrease number of meltdowns per week to 3 or less with use of home modifications, as well as sensory strategies. Goals will be met within 5-6 treatment sessions.
5.) Rehab potential : Good.

I'll admit that we haven't been as consistent as we should have been with the visual schedule as we should have been. I think lately though, it's as important as ever. We identified in the sessions we had that he has a problem transitioning from one activity to the next, and that physical activity can make him pretty excitable and hard to transition. It was to the point where we wouldn't engage him in tickle fights or play wrestle with him, because he would get so wild, someone or himself would get hurt, or it would lead to a meltdown. N.'s therapist was able to give N. some ideas about how identify when he's getting to wild, to ways to calm down. We talked about how his "engine" can run to fast, which leads to a tantrum and inability to transition to a new activity, to tooo slow, where he becomes inattentive. His "engine" should be just right. We learned about calming down by deep pressured , breathing through the nose and out the mouth, and checking his engine.




 I have been talking with my therapist about some of his issues, like his tantrums, or his constant complaining. She recommended a book to read about his issue with tantrums called The Explosive Child. I read the intro part of it, and I think it will help. It talks about how many parents with temperamental children are often judged as not being harsh enough, but in reality, have actually tried everything under the sun.  I'm hoping it helps, because

Day 13

Today I had orientation at my new job. I really don't know whats wrong, but this pregnancy is getting to be incredibly hard. I drove to the Dells and did what I needed to do. It was only a few hours of my time, but then I had to go grocery shopping at Aldi's and I had to stop at WalMart for WIC. By the time I got home, my headache that I've had as a minor annoyance for a few days, became a blinding headache. I ended up getting the groceries put away, then just went to bed. I felt horrible. I woke up a few hours later, still feeling pretty sick. The headache is still there too. I just wanted to get this wrote out tonight. Tomorrow I work early in the morning, and I'm worried that I'm going to feel even worse by the time I arrive home.
Want to Do: Nothing. Just trying to get this headache to stop.
Have to Do:grocery shopped, gave the boys their bath.

Day 12

Today was more of an apathetic day. I planned on doing housework, but around 11:00 this morning, I became so tired, all I could think about was napping. So nap I did. I did do somethings that I had to do, and something that I had to do that I wanted to do anyway. As soon as it turned 4:00 p.m. I started to tidy up the house, because Matt was going to be home in half an hour. So I did some chores, and then when he came home from work, we went outside and fenced in the garden. We ate a quick supper, I cleaned up, and got the boys ready for bed, then went outside to clean up the yard. I also took the grass clippings from mowing the lawn and put them at the base of all our tomato plants. I love gardening so much.
Have to Do:washed and put away dishes, swept, tidied up, picked up the lawn
Want to Do:worked on the garden, took a nap

Days 10 & 11

I feel so exhausted! I really don't think that it's from depression, I think it's from fresh air and pregnancy. I sleep like the dead, and overall I feel like I'm starting to move past my apathy. Yesterday was a good day. We planted more of the garden, and did some yard work. I read a book, and Matt seemed to want to celebrate Mother's Day Weekend, rather than just the day. He got me a beautiful pearl and diamond necklace, and gave it to me early yesterday for good luck at an interview I had in the Dells. (Which I am very pleased to report that I got the job, even though he wasn't going to make a decision until Tuesday.)
Today was amazing too. I woke up late at 10a.m. Matt was making breakfast, and had bought cinnamon rolls to have before a big breakfast of bacon, scrambled eggs, and pancakes. Then he cleaned up, and we went outside to wash the car. We then decided to head to Menard's to get some strawberries and vegetables. We ended up spending a little more than we wanted to, but we also got enough perennials to add to our strawberry garden. So I guess it can just be the Perennial garden now. We also bought more seeds of cucumbers, green beans, and something else that I don't remember, as well as buying some tomatoes as well. We came home, planted it all, then had a good supper of BBQ chicken, corn, and steak fries. The only thing that wasn't good about this weekend is that N. got a fever last night, but it went away this morning, but only to return tonight with a vengeance. Chills, fever, and headache, so tomorrow I'm going to keep him home. He was also complaining of his mid to upper back hurting, which is slightly concerning. Since he said it didn't hurt when he was breathing, I don't think it has anything to do with the fever, but I'm keeping an eye on it anyway.

Have to Do: Planted the garden, cleaned the boys up for bed

Want to Do:  Read a book, planted a perennial garden

Days 7,8,8

I didn't post here on day 7 because I had some contractions and had to head to the hospital. Everything is OK now, and I found out that we will be having another boy. I'm a little disappointed, but mostly relieved that baby looked really good, and nothing came to be with the contractions. I just want a healthy baby. By the time I got home, we ate dinner, and got the kids to bed, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. So I did. I will mention that our microwave went out too, which kind of sucks. I never realized how much I made in that thing.
Day 8 was mostly a rest day for me, so once again, didn't do much on the Have to/Want to thing. I went to my therapy appointment, and had to take H. with me. He was surprisingly good! He played with the toys I brought and he was quiet because he found a nice corner to poop in. Good thing he is still in diapers.
Today was so nice out, I wanted to spend it outside reading; however we don't have any good lawn chairs to do that in, and being pregnant and generally already uncomfortable, I wasn't going to sit on the ground. So I opened up all the windows to let the breeze in while I read. Which  I did most of the day. I did start the day off right and made breakfast for everyone (but N. who claimed he was going to eat breakfast at school) and I also cooked pork steaks for supper. I'm proud of myself because I haven't been the one making our evening meals lately, mostly because I feel just so apathetic without appetite, that I'm in no mood to cook.  We planted our started plants and more seeds in the garden today. It makes me so happy and proud of our hard work when we start reaping the harvest of vegetables. It's something that makes me take my time, and isn't instantly gratifying. You have to work hard to keep pests, drought, rain, and weeds from wrecking your garden, and you also have to have some sort of knowledge of horticulture. Example would be last year when our tomatoes starting to get blight. I researched and found that I needed to get air circulation to the root color and putting some mulch down would help with getting the nutrients that plant needed to make a good fruit. I love all that time and effort that you put in. Then when you eat what you have grown, it tastes that much more better. In different note, I realize since starting therapy that I can talk with Matt more about my depression, in a way that isn't offending, and that is more often helpful. Matt can give insight to my behavior that I don't often see or don't want to see. He gives me great advice, and it's nice to ask him for help with my therapy. I love when I ask his advice his answers are always thoughtful, and make me feel loved, and not different since I battle depression. I am really lucky that I married a man that does love me no matter what, and is there for me in the bad times as well as the good.
Have to Do: Made breakfast and supper
Want to Do: Read a book

What I want

I want to talk about what I want from others when I talk about depression. I don't want to be meek about my depression, afraid of what others will say, and I'm sick and tired of hearing about what everyone else does, thinks or says on the subject. I suffer from it, and I need understanding. What I don't need is sympathy, pity, or someones misguided view on the subject. My ob/gyn wants to put me on an anti-depressant at 36 weeks to help with PPD as a preventative( or maybe 34 weeks, I can't quite remember), and I'm OK with that. Any mental health professional will tell you that the best way to treat MDD(what I currently am struggling with) is psychotherapy combined with a medication. I may go on one earlier, I may not, depending on if my psychotherapy and my goals for my therapy work. I know that anti depressants don't make it go away, but they do make the lows not so low. And when you've been as low as I have been, that makes you pretty thankful. As far as anyone reading this now or ever in the future, the risks associated with taking an anti depressant during pregnancy will be discussed between myself, my ob/gyn, and my therapist, collectively. For people to understand how I feel though, they need to be open. I feel that many people really just want to voice an opinion rather than give actual advice. When it comes to feel better, I really don't know what to think, asides that I all I want to do is feel better.

Day 6

Today I woke up feeling just tired, and not wanting to get up. I got Henry changed and fed right away. I got myself a cup of coffee, and then really didn't eat anything for breakfast. I ended up not getting dressed or even doing any Have to Dos until after Noah got home from school. I washed dishes, started supper, washed the dog, and cleaned the bathroom. When Matt got home, I went to quickly vote,and by the time I got home, Matt had supper finished. I felt pretty happy at that point, and got supper cleaned up after. Then I sort of ended up in a bad mood,because about the time I went to relax, Matt started to get cranky. He snapped at me and he snapped at Noah. I know he has been stressed about our finances lately, and I'm sure that is what put him out of sorts. So I went to our bedroom and changed into pajamas, and he followed me back there to apologize for being cranky toward me. I told him it was ok, then asked him if bills were bugging him. After sitting down and talking about it,and figuring out a plan of action, we felt much better about our situation. I do have that interview this Saturday, and I'm feeling pretty confident on getting it. If I get the job, it should help us enough that we should have enough to save. Since we have our battle plan, so to speak, I feel much more confident. I think with this pregnancy I feel much more emtional, especially when it comes to how others are acting or reacting to me. Most things make me feel like I can cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I get what I've read at teh "Merry-Go-Sorry", a thing that starts out with giggles that ends with hysterical sobbing. Apparently my tear ducts want a good work out this pregnancy.  Today was a typical depressive day for me today. I felt mostly appathetic today, wih a chance of becoming pretty sad. I managed to fight off the sadness though with something that I knew would fix what was bugging me and helping Matt too.

Have to Do: dishes, gave the dog a bath, cleaned the bathroom

Want to Do: plan on reading a book before bed tonight

Understanding

I was randomly looking at an article about famous people doing things that would surprise you. They showed a picture of Kurt Cobain eating a whole pizza, being goofy, and the writer then wrote this, which really hit the nail on the head. I thought I would share.

"Well, depression works that way. Movies have given us a skewed idea of how it works, because there, when a character enters his "dark period," it's with a montage full of sad music and drinking and moping in dim rooms. Real life isn't like that. Not only do moods fluctuate, but even when you're at your lowest you find yourself in social situations where you're not allowed to show it. If you're in a dark place but can't get out of your nephew's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's, you're going to put on a smile for the camera. You feel selfish bringing everybody else down. You put on a cheerful mask."
-David Wong, Cracked.com May 08, 2012

Read more: 14 Photographs That Shatter Your Image of Famous People | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/blog/14-photographs-that-shatter-your-image-famous-people_p2/#ixzz1uJWT2mHF

The whole article is pretty funny, but that one paragraph really gets it.

Day 5

I feel so tired right now. I did a lot of Have to Do things, and still had a lot of time to do a lot for Want to Do thing as well.  I did a ton of housework that needed to be caught up on, and watched a t.v. show that recorded last night, as well as played an insane amount of bingo on facebook. And now I'm exhausted. I also got a call yesterday for an interview, which is going to take place this Saturday at 11 a.m. I really am hoping to get this job, which I feel confident about.
Tomorrow I plan on keeping up on the dishes and finished the laundry, washing linens, and vacuuming the bedrooms, and cleaning the bathroom.

Have to Do: swept/swiffered/mopped kitchen floor, vacuumed living room, folded and put away all clean laundry, helped with supper, got the boys cleaned up before bed, washed two loads of dishes, put away two loads of dishes, organized my old clothes to make room for maternity clothes, brushed Grover

Want to Do: Watched the Borgia's, ate ice cream, played bingo

Day 4

Today was a good day. I woke up feeling still sort of let down from yesterday, but relaxed. Matt was cuddling, and it was storming out pretty good, so the boys were still passed out. The whole house was quiet when I woke up. Matt and I actually got to read the news in bed this morning, and had an adult conversation that didn't involve any talk of children, housework, or bills. It felt good to have such a discussion without any interruptions. I almost think we should wake up early everyday to have coffee together and to talk with one another. More about that thought later though. I got up, and got H. out of his crib, changed, and eating a pancake, and the dog taken out potty before Matt emerged from the bedroom. I should mention morning times are the worst for me lately, because I like love to sleep.  So when I do manage to get my butt out of bed at the same time as Matt it is amazing, and when I get up before Matt it is astounding. When I get up before Matt and get things done before hes out of bed is a miracle. These actions made me pretty happy this morning. I even got out two k-cups from Matt and I, and got the Kuerig running and got my cup of coffee made(even though Matt puts in the half and half and sugar in mine, because he does it better.) I also put away linens and towels that Matt folded before even drinking coffee. Score three points for me! I put all the our clothes in baskets, which I hope I put away tomorrow. I kind of hope to clean the whole house tomorrow, because we have been running most of the weekend, and it looks like it. Dishes in the sink, clothes to put away, and sweeping to be done. Oh well, that is what Monday after school is finished looks like.

After sitting around, drinking coffee, and just relaxing with the boys, we decided to get dressed and head to Matt's parent's house for part of the day. We were also picking up 10 pairs of maternity bottoms for me as well in Madison. ( This makes me happy to no end, because since this third pregnancy has popped so much more quicker than the others, I have only two pairs of carpi's, one pair of pants, and one pair of pj pants that are maternity, and only one pair of my old pants that still fit. So essentially, one pair of pants that I can wear since it's been so rainy and chilly. This problem has reduced me to tears on more than one occasion.) We also wanted to stop in a town close to Matt's parents to get my wedding ring cleaned. While at Zales, Matt started to stroll around the store and looking at jewelery and asking me what pieces I liked. I may or may not get jewelery for Mother's Day. Then we went to the Motherhood Maternity store and purchased a couple of tank tops to sleep in, since even Matt's shirts are starting to get small on me. After this, we went to Menard's, and then went back to Matt's parent's home. Then we just relaxed for the rest of the time we were there, playing outside with the boys, and playing bey blades and micro machines until it was time to head home.
Now we are home, with the boys asleep in their beds, and I'm ready to head to mine. Not much planned for this week, asides from cleaning the house, a possible interview for a job, and a therapy appointment on Thursday. Hoping I get the job, because we NEED it. Also, 17 weeks tomorrow. Only 23 more to go before baby is here.

Have to Do: Getting up and getting H. ready for day, putting away laundry, planning for the week

Want to Do: Drinking coffee, being lazy all morning.

Day 3

 Today is the first posting day of this blog that wasn't so great. Matt had to work an arson case last night, so I told him I would wake up with the boys and take care of things with the pets in the morning so he could sleep in. When I woke up this morning I felt rested and amused. Amused because our yellow lab, who normally wakes up at 5:30 a.m. to use the bathroom and feel the need to goof off, was barking in the living room at 8:30 a.m. Only one or two big barks then he walked back into N.'s room to lay back down. Which almost never happens! Maybe because Noah wasn't awake yet ? Or maybe Grover was actually tired because he didn't get out of that bed until after Noah came out.
Otherwise I woke up feeling surprised I felt so well rested. I feel asleep around midnight, woke up at 2:30 a.m. since Matt was just crawling into bed, and again at 3:30a.m. to go to the bathroom, and I didn't fall back asleep until close to 4a.m. Normally on weekends, Matt lets me sleep in until 9a.m. or so. I got H. out of his crib and let N. watch some early morning cartoons in Nick Jr. I drank my coffee, but felt more irritated once I woke up. Probably because N. obsesses over things, like his spy watch getting charged, before I had a chance to wake up. That kid is the broken record though, I swear. Actually I realize that after I drank coffee I felt OK, but pretty apathetic. I knew we had some plans to go to the town festival, but I just felt I couldn't muster up any enthusiasm. It definitely was on my Have to Do for today, only because we promised the kids that we would go. After lunch, and H.'s nap, we walked over to the carnival, and honestly, I felt really anxious and overwhelmed with so many people and everything so loud. While I can be a people person, some settings just make me want to run home and crawl into bed where it's so quiet I can hear my heart beat.  We got tickets so the boys could  go one some rides and play some games. Then we went to see the fire station, which H. just LOVED!  He went in everyone and looked after all the nozzles and hoses, the seats, sat in the steering wheel and pretended to drive. It was fun to watch him go to town, talking about the "Wee-woos". When it was time to leave, it was bad. H. kicked and screamed, and smashed his head into Matt's eye, giving him a bit of a shiner. We managed to get out of there without to much damage to H.'s or Matt's heads though.
We walked up to the Kwik Trip to get something to drink, and to see the town falls, then we went back where we bought a few root beer floats to share.  N. was excited to sit down I think, and he loved his float, then we decided that we should eat something. I really have this weird thing about fair funnel cakes, so I asked if we could get that. Everyone agreed, and we set off back toward the carnival.  We got the funnel cake and let the boys play more games, then decided to head toward the city park and see what they had there. H. started to throw a tantrum about sitting in the wagon so I offered him a little bit of funnel cake. He wasn't to into it, and Matt opened his mouth to try to get H. to open up. I took it was Matt wanted to piece I was offering, so I popped it into his mouth. He chewed it with a disgusted look toward me, and when I said it looked like he didn't want it, he said "No, I was only trying to get H. to open his mouth." I said sorry and sort of laughed at the face he made, but I think that only mad him more mad. he seemed actually upset with my for something pretty stupid. N. started to through a fit about riding in the wagon, and since H. didn't want to ride, Matt told him he could get in and he would carry H. My feelings were hurt from Matt being so snappy with me about the stupid funnel cake, I put the cake down in the wagon with N. and started to walk. Matt apologized soon afterward but I told him that I actually just wanted to go home since he was being crabby, which made the kids crabby, and I was the only one trying to make something good out of the situation. I really feel that kids will be kids, and H. is only two. To ask him to sit nicely in a wagon while all these neat and colorful and loud things are going on would be almost mean. N. was cranky without much reason, but it was somewhat humid, and I remember being a five year old and wanting to do stuff that my parents wouldn't let me. Anyway, I still felt hurt and angry about being snapped at, and I was a little miffed that I was the one pulling the 50+ lbs child while being 16+ weeks pregnant for a mile, mostly uphill. Once we got to the park and let the boys loose, Matt apologized again, and I felt better, since I was sitting down. He chased H. around the playground, and N. found a few kids from his class to play with. After we were there about a half hour, we decided to leave. Thankfully there were some Craft's to distract H. while we were walking out of the park, otherwise another fit. He started to have one, but then I have him his sippy and set him in the wagon, which is exactly what he needed after burning off energy at the park. We were all tired, and my hips were killing me, but H. was eating the left over funnel cake, N. was chattering away happily about seeing his friends and the fun time he had at the festival so we made it home with out incident.  We got home, and while discussing a friend of our going into labor early, I mentioned about how I remember when I went into preterm with H. at 32 weeks, I remember him saying he just wanted me to have him, despite the risks. He more than corrected me on what he actually said, and what he ment. I apologized right away, I hadn't ment anything bad by it. It was the way  I remember it, and I know that it wasn't the most accurate. Even after the apology, Matt still was going off, until I dropped eye contact and became abruptly silent. I didn't mean to make him angry, but I felt really sad, and I thought I was going to cry. We ate a late supper, then had a snack while we watched Cars 2, then put the boys to bed. Now it feels like I want to cry again, and I know I'm tired and need to go to sleep.
It's the end of the day, I feel just sad. Matt snapping at me, and being cranky in general about the whole day, just put me off. I'm glad that the boys had fun today, but honestly, I just give lots of props to Matt for having to deal with my behavior on a daily basis. Granted, I am pregnant, and a little more emotional than normal, but I know he deals with my crankiness much more often than I have to deal with his. I wish I could have taken a nap today instead anything else and having my feelings hurt.

Have to Do Take boys to town festival, tidy up living room before leaving to said festival

Want to Do Nothing really. I don't feel like I want or wanted to do anything for myself today. Just nap, which isn't allowed.

Only good thing that seemed to happen since last night's posting and this one, is that I can feel baby move. It is one of the best, most reassuring feelings ever.

Day 2

Today I woke up feeling excited for the activities we had planned, but also a little let down. Like an after party feeling, except it wasn't after the fact what I was looking forward too. This morning I was rather unproducive I felt, I ended up just playing with H. and feeding him breakfast and getting him ready for the day, before I got myself ready. I did actually do my hair and I put some make up on too. I knew that when we returned home from our planned outing with my first born son, N. to see The Avengers movie, that I would feel let down...except I'm not feeling let down. We ended up having to pick up our second born H. right after the movie. After we picked H. up from the sitters, we went to a little pizza joint a few towns over. Supper went really well with the kids, and I enjoyed myself quite a bit. Matt on the other hand, was feeling a bit cranky, since both boys aren't the best when it comes to eating out. Other than having to remind Noah to not lean on the table and sit up straight, and a diaper change that required me to take H. out to the car, it went really well. H. did through a small fit, in which he smashed his face against the table, twice, but once he was sitting next to dad with his blankie, he was fine. They both ate well and the food was great. On the ride home I was feeling a bit down with Matt's taciturn behavior, but when I reminded him it could have been much worse, he cheered up. When we got home, it was still light out and still warm. Since the boys had been sitting for awhile, we let them run areound the yard for a little bit. It turned out to be a game of tag with all four of us running and chasing each other. It was so much fun, and I laughed. It felt so good to laugh out of sheer joy, and as melodramatic as it might sound, I haven't laughed out of sheer joy in a long time. We got inside, and now we are all relaxing while watching Tron. Today, at the end of the day, I feel happy and relaxed. A little tired too.

Have to Do I really couldn't say...doing my hair and make-up?

Want to Do Taking N. to see The Avengers, playing tag outside

I really don't think I did a "Have to" today, but I really don't like doing my hair or my make-up. Here's to hoping I feel stable tomorrow and don't sink back into this depression.

Day 1

This past week, my therapist gave me an assignment to get me out of this semi permanent depressive state I feel that I am in. Everyday I need to exercise for at least ten minutes, do one thing I have to do, and one think I want to do. She said that in hopefully it will lead to my being productive and wanting to do more. She also said my "want-to-do" can't be napping. She knows me to well. I feel that she is right, and when I do one thing that I have to or want to do, that I tend to do more than the one action. Example, today I vacuumed the living room, then decided to do the dishes as well. I would have swept too, but ran out of time before needing to run errands. I wanted to take a walk today, but felt the familiar quagmire of apathy start to suck me down. ..but Grover was whining to go outside, so I decided that I really should take him for walk.( It was really bad weather the past two days, so he hadn't been on a walk or out to play for a few days.) I took him for a walk around the neighborhood, and felt really good for being able to accomplish my task. I woke up in a mood that, while couldn't be desscribed as "happy" ,I did wake up feeling refreshed...and tonight, I'm going to bed satisfied with today. I would like to explain, that for the past four to five months, I have felt like a nuclear winter. It's like I don't think anything is fun or worthwhile anymore, and it's hard for me to do anything. It makes me feel like a failure as a mother and wife, and that everything is so overwhelming. This one thing I want/have to do a day is basically baby steps to get back to a normal life. While I normally am on anti-depressants(which I will point out, do not make everything happy hunky-dory, they do make the lows not so low) I am pregnant. Thus, with a risk to our unborn baby I would rather not take at this time, I am seeing a therapist, and trying more homeopathic remedies. This isn't my first, second, or even third or fourth bout with depression,and have what is called Major Depressive Disorder, which essentially is having recurrent depression. There is a ton of literature out there on the subject, with different theories and ideas of the how and why, but I am not to interested in other's theories, as that I subscribe to the theory that it must be a combination of nature vs. nurture. I need to also explain this about me, and I'm willing to bet others with the same and similar problems as mine feel the exact same way that I do when I hear these few things that really upset and irritate me. I can't just "feel happy" or "not feel sad". I don't ever feel a danger to myself or others with depression, but I have had a few people tell me "Well just feel happy instead". Whenever I hear this, I want to punch them in the face with a "If it were that fucking simple, don't you think I would have done something a hell of a lot earlier?" It's common sense. I don't like feeling this way, but it's just not going to go away with a happy thought. We're not all Peter freaking Pan,OK? And with that diatribe out of the way, we can proceed. I do love my kids, and I love my husband. I love my pets, and I want to do better for them, as well as myself. No one wants their own personal purgatory carried around with them, because honestly, that is how my depression feels.

So I'm starting this daily blog to track things that I do and how I feel, in accordance with my depression. My therapist thought it would be a good idea, and I really do not care if anyone reads this and is offended. Not that I will be filling this blog with nudity, and violence; I do realize that everyone has their own views and beliefs about depression. I realize that these views and beliefs are opinion, some based on facts, and other based on inaccuracies. That being said, you're welcome to read about my struggle.