Day 1

This past week, my therapist gave me an assignment to get me out of this semi permanent depressive state I feel that I am in. Everyday I need to exercise for at least ten minutes, do one thing I have to do, and one think I want to do. She said that in hopefully it will lead to my being productive and wanting to do more. She also said my "want-to-do" can't be napping. She knows me to well. I feel that she is right, and when I do one thing that I have to or want to do, that I tend to do more than the one action. Example, today I vacuumed the living room, then decided to do the dishes as well. I would have swept too, but ran out of time before needing to run errands. I wanted to take a walk today, but felt the familiar quagmire of apathy start to suck me down. ..but Grover was whining to go outside, so I decided that I really should take him for walk.( It was really bad weather the past two days, so he hadn't been on a walk or out to play for a few days.) I took him for a walk around the neighborhood, and felt really good for being able to accomplish my task. I woke up in a mood that, while couldn't be desscribed as "happy" ,I did wake up feeling refreshed...and tonight, I'm going to bed satisfied with today. I would like to explain, that for the past four to five months, I have felt like a nuclear winter. It's like I don't think anything is fun or worthwhile anymore, and it's hard for me to do anything. It makes me feel like a failure as a mother and wife, and that everything is so overwhelming. This one thing I want/have to do a day is basically baby steps to get back to a normal life. While I normally am on anti-depressants(which I will point out, do not make everything happy hunky-dory, they do make the lows not so low) I am pregnant. Thus, with a risk to our unborn baby I would rather not take at this time, I am seeing a therapist, and trying more homeopathic remedies. This isn't my first, second, or even third or fourth bout with depression,and have what is called Major Depressive Disorder, which essentially is having recurrent depression. There is a ton of literature out there on the subject, with different theories and ideas of the how and why, but I am not to interested in other's theories, as that I subscribe to the theory that it must be a combination of nature vs. nurture. I need to also explain this about me, and I'm willing to bet others with the same and similar problems as mine feel the exact same way that I do when I hear these few things that really upset and irritate me. I can't just "feel happy" or "not feel sad". I don't ever feel a danger to myself or others with depression, but I have had a few people tell me "Well just feel happy instead". Whenever I hear this, I want to punch them in the face with a "If it were that fucking simple, don't you think I would have done something a hell of a lot earlier?" It's common sense. I don't like feeling this way, but it's just not going to go away with a happy thought. We're not all Peter freaking Pan,OK? And with that diatribe out of the way, we can proceed. I do love my kids, and I love my husband. I love my pets, and I want to do better for them, as well as myself. No one wants their own personal purgatory carried around with them, because honestly, that is how my depression feels.